If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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