a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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