Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
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