And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
