He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
