I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
