when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
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She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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