Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
How does one acquire holy water?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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