well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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