Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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