dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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