Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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