Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
