I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
