forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
