Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
