I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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