Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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