those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
