Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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