I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
