Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
