My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
