I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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