what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
whose parrot is this?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
