garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
