How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
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Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
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I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize