opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
