You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize