party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
