It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
