I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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