I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
