Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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