Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
