How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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