If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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