so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
40s are totally the cure
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
