Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
