i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
