when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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