I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
