It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
