Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
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He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
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Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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