Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
