I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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