I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
