I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
