It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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