If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
