I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
