Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
