Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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