I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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